Yesterday I was feeling too sad...
memories flooded back and as I drove past a picnic area, everyone seemed to be with someone. Times were it was like that for me. Our two girls were off into the big wide world at 17 and we were the same when we were the same age...so we understood their need to be free while they were young and without much responsibility.

You don't plan on being alone... we are a loyal lot in our family, almost without exception bonding for life...

the bond with Don for me is unlikely to ever be broken...and it just got to me for a while yesterday. I was missing the silliness of our little family. The comfort and acceptance being inside such a family brings...missed the surprises, the scares around the dark corners and then the hooting of their laughter. The planning and snickering and all of it...was so good.

I miss my lovely husband's love...oh dearie me... but again it was his silliness and unpredictability I missed...his gentleness...his love which was deeper than anything I think I had ever expected in this life. Right when I felt I could not get control, one of my own picked up the phone far away and rang me...we talked for ages and I felt...not "all better", but that I could handle this, go on with this...

After we stopped talking I went outside...the sun touched the land so gently...and all the paddocks and trees seemed to glow and seemed as a gold velvet...

It was just a bittersweet thing yesterday and I needed to cry...really cry as if I would never stop. And I did...

Then came over the sun touched grass, over the dam and greenery, the bittersweet faeries...a smile on their faces...some a little crooked...and a tear in their eyes...

everything was going to be okay...I felt that. Not now, not next year maybe not for ten years or so...but one day I understood from them, the joy will return. I will laugh easily as I have always done...and my face will once again turn towards the sun. I know this now.

Late afternoon faeries a dancing

Then for no reason at all I see this lot,
as I go down into the paddock to shut the gate late in the afternoon...just a flicker of light and sparkle in my peripheral vision and they are imprinted in my brain...when I look directly, nothing is there as usual. Who knows where they come from or for why...but they are and thats all I need worry about.

This time I feel I have accidentally caught them in mid dance, a slow whirling dance in spirals towards the mellow setting sun...nice to know there are things I can't touch or affect and that they are beautiful and exist not for us to dissect and "KNOW" about...but for no other reason than the joy of light.

Two little lovely autumn faeries

These two little lovely Autumn faeries sat straight up and watched me as I cut back the roses...from in amongst the vines and from round behind the tree they were there. They were slower than usual as the sun was warm and mild and like the cat they had been slumbering in the last warmth of the suns rays.